Tarry for the Nonce

August 11, 2005

The Truth Emerges!

Filed under: News — lmwalker @ 6:41 pm

The truth has emerged about John Roberts’ children:

The Roberts kids are no strangers to controversy. Jack Roberts, a confirmed bachelor who enjoys dancing and thinks girls are “yucky,” has the I.Q. of a four year-old boy and a rap sheet a mile long. In 2003, Jack was reprimanded by a superior court judge for vandalizing the walls of a private residence with Crayola crayons. Last summer, he stole several indigenous amphibians from a natural wetland, a crime against nature for which he has yet to be held accountable. His childlike demeanor and bizarre behavior have frustrated reporters for weeks. When pressed for details on his father’s opinions concerning Roe V. Wade, it’s not unusual for Jack to burst into giggles and spin around in circles until he falls down.

If Jack Roberts seems to revel in media attention, then his sister, Jane, shuns it. Living a life shrouded in mystery, Jane was rumored to be dating Tom Cruise–but it’s widely suspected that the girl with the pageboy haircut “plays for the other team,” if you know what I mean. While John Edwards has yet to officially acknowledge her as a lesbian, Jane is rarely seen without another woman at her side. Her dowdy style of dress and lack of frequent abortions have raised more than a few eyebrows. And like brother Jack, her mental instability is a thing of record. Prone to sudden emotional outburts [sic] and crying fits over trivialities, Jane is often seen talking to small plastic replicas of human babies, and her addiction to paste has been the talk of the tabloids for years.

If the behavior of one’s children is any indication of how a man writes new laws, then I fear for an America with John Roberts on the bench.

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3 Comments

  1. Her dowdy style of dress and lack of frequent abortions have raised more than a few eyebrows

    Please tell me this is a joke.

    Kudos to Laura for fixing the security bug that tormented me so. Looks like the font tag still doesn’t work tho…..

    Comment by Andrew P. — August 11, 2005 @ 11:25 pm

  2. I was going to say…. knew that story had to be a joke.

    Comment by Andrew P. — August 12, 2005 @ 10:13 am

  3. Gasp! Scandal to the core!

    Comment by Alistair A. — August 12, 2005 @ 1:41 pm


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